Afraid

You say that you are afraid. That all of this is too quick, too much, too scary.

Do you ever have doubts about all of it? Do you ever think of turning away? Why?

It is said that a man cannot be happy as happiness is the longing for repetition*. So now that you have acquired repetition you are not happy again?

I am here and I cannot do anything more. I just wait... Maybe one day you will be sure.

*Milan Kundera ‘The Unbearable lightness of being’

Sunday

I like rainy Sundays when you are in no hurry, when the world exits only outside and there is no need to see anyone or to go anywhere.

I have my first cup of coffee in my bed. I can hear the raindrops quietly knocking on the window. I imagine that the whole city is having a lazy morning in a bed. Synchronised coffee drinking time.

At some point I decide to get out of bed. Another cup of coffee follows with a piece of toast. I sit in front of an open window and can smell the freshness that is only felt on those wonderful rainy summer days.

Total emptiness.

Only at these kind of moments one realise how happy life can be, no matter what. Time stops and only rain continuous. It is true, rain washes everything away so that you could start from a blank page again.

Which one?

"...making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two seperate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman)".*

So which woman I am, the one you want to sleep with or the one you want to sleep next to?


*Milan Kundera 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being'

life ideas

Have you ever sat in one place for a long time and watched people going by? No one looks back at you, no one smiles, not even their eyes. You can sit and wait but there isn't a person who would stop and look smilingly back really meaning it or at least walk pass you with a smile. Why do people forget to smile? Are they all that very busy, unhappy, worried, etc?

Once I was asked, why do people have someone’s (or something’s) photo at their work desks? Why do they do it? My initial answer was - I don't know. But today I think I found the answer. I believe (or I want to believe) that they have them because one look at the picture makes them smile. A short glimpse makes their day worthwhile. Maybe it is their way to stop, think something nicely or acknowledge their happiness and smile. It can be as simple as that a picture represents an idea of some form of happiness. (Of course, you could take an opposite approach but who would want to have something that causes bad feelings? Well, maybe a villain.) We can be so caught up with life that we need a physical material to remind as why, for what reason.

So I say to you, keep something with yourself that would enlighten you. The idea of your life can be easily lost. Don’t let that happen. Remember, smile!

words

Sometimes words do come out of me, like separate living creatures which you should never let out. They form this real shape and stand in the room, exposed to everyone who is around. And I hurt… I want them back inside me. But the words don’t care, they just stand - silent statues of my mind.
And now I am empty, exposed, hurt. The words of my mind please come back. I want to think again.

Welcome inside me

Patience! Patience…- they all say to me and it resonates inside me. I’ve heard this before, I have told that to myself and still I lack of it. There’s this horrible notion of time passing by and you are still standing in the same spot, waiting. Patience! Why do you let cravings and fears dictate you when it’s you who should be in control? I need to learn to let go of my mind’s grand designs and live. It is so simple, isn’t it? I have always tried not to plan anything in my life but I now find myself considering why I am where I am. I compare myself to everyone around me even if I consciously tell myself not to do it because there is no point in that. I like myself and who I am so why do I need to see if I have achieved as many things as others have/have not achieved. They said that everything would come with time so just be patient… Patience is a virtue and it is one that I need to learn, unfortunately there are no courses to sign up to so that you could learn that quicker.

No Fishing this Saturday

Lazy day

What do I want to do today? – Nothing. I want to hibernate in front of a TV set, watch silly movies and not think. Do you have those days when you sit at home and do nothing because if you try to do anything else your body protest with all its will. I do. Probably I have too many of them in my life but I have learned that trying to ignore my body’s commands is a lost battle so it’s just better to listen to what it is saying and do nothing. I am secretly hoping that something interesting would happen today which would take my laziness away but I shouldn’t put my hopes up. And I am afraid I might, just might be waiting for tomorrow to go to work. Nooooo! It’s the worst case of all, to look forward to a day’s work! Ok, maybe I do need to turn my thinking cap on cause at this rate I will soon be in work wishing for the day to end.

Right, I’ll have a shower just now and hope that by the time I’m out of the bathroom I will have some action plan ready.

Quite bored,
Tina Teaspoon

Rabbits hole.

Look at me!

Do you see me?

Well, my body is here but my mind is trying to escape the place. There are moments when time goes really slowly and all you can feel is yourself, struggling with the slowliness* and realisation that this will repeat itself again with a déjà vu sense.

I want to run and never come back as I did so many times before but reality is stronger than my will. I say that I don’t like changes but I do crave for them. At the end of the day – I just procrastinate without even having to put anything to put aside for an excuse of my procrastination.

Do I make sense?

My answer would be no. But you know what? I don’t understand myself either so I’m not surprised when no one else can pin me down.

Down I go into the rabbits hole…..

So, do you have any suggestions? Maybe you could give me some reasons, objectives and goals cause I’m tired of looking for them.


*I hope that I can claim this word as my invention

Family home

Today I don’t want to leave.

I went to my parent’s home for couple of days and I got to know the place again after not being there for a while. It’s funny how I missed small things, such as drinking tea in the lounge, laughing with my family or playing with my cat. I even enjoyed walking around the city in a very cold weather and seeing all the new and old places with my new eyes that I have not thought about for years. At the moment I am sitting at my old desk and typing this, my cat is lying on one of my hands (therefore it’s really not easy to write at the moment) but I love moments like that – when the world is somewhere out there and you are safe from everything. That’s what we call home, I guess. I’m glad that I don’t live here anymore cause life does change but I am always very happy to comeback and experience the ‘goodness’ of home all over again.

I just can’t believe that I am leaving tomorrow. That tomorrow I will not wake up at my family home, that the cat won’t be asking me to feed her and that the ‘safe’ world is going to be changed with the world of grownups again.

I don’t want to leave but I am happy cause I know that I always can come back…

Those rare sunny days

Today I woke up early because.... the sun was shining! Can you believe this? I haven’t woken up that happy and early for quite a while. And yes, I did say happy. Tough times are always hard to live through but if you keep telling yourself that maybe that thing wasn’t as important as you thought it was then it’s much easier to stop thinking and move on. I guess I will come back pondering about why things happen or don’t happen but I feel as if I can be more objective or at least not beat myself too much. Sometimes stuff is not meant to take place and maybe even better events are coming to your life but you just don’t know about it. (That’s what I’m telling myself). And besides, life is not that bad isn’t it?

Yesterday I visited Greenwich and I fell in love with that spot all over again. It has such a nice vibe that you get only in special places. Places – where history mixes with today and once you are in that place you can really feel it. I am determent to go there more often and charge myself from that atmosphere. I think we all need to find special places for ourselves where every time we can comeback, forget about everything that is going on in our lives and just emerge into the existence of that place.

It’s the sun! Today I see sun and I’m happy!

I believe

I am a Teaist and a Tea-Philosopher.
My meditation is in a cup.
Life for me consists of small things and small sips.
I don’t believe in anything but the moment.
Time consists of moments marked by Tea.
And now is the right time to get self absorbed again and have a cup…

Me & Books

I love books. The earliest memories that I have of myself - is me in kindergarten trying to slowly read some sort of story tale. And I really like this memory, for its simplicity and warmth. I think I was the first one of my friends to sign up in a library by myself, not even asking my parents for help (yes I am very proud of myself) and since then libraries, as well as bookshops, became my second homes. I always felt better there than anywhere else (unless it’s a tea shop but about that I’ll tell you next time).

Books make me feel free and on top of the world, where I can experience so much more than in my real life. I am not complaining, not today... I found my personality through them or in better words I have shaped myself, understood who I want to and don’t want to be not only by observing the world and the people in front of me but through simply reading, reading and reading some more. I remember that once I started a list of books that I have read which I thought I would keep filling in all my life so that I would know what and how many books I have read. Well, that list was forgotten very quickly when I came to realise that the quantity doesn’t matter. What does matter is the quality of the book and what you learn from it. I feel sorry for some people who live through their life reading absolute rubbish and never picking up at least one ‘good’ book. (You judge what is the definition of a good book.)

Anyways, I like proclaiming my love of books time to time, just because I hope that someone would catch it too and so forth. To me:
Books=Love

Truly yours,
Tina Teaspoon.