Rabbits hole.

Look at me!

Do you see me?

Well, my body is here but my mind is trying to escape the place. There are moments when time goes really slowly and all you can feel is yourself, struggling with the slowliness* and realisation that this will repeat itself again with a déjà vu sense.

I want to run and never come back as I did so many times before but reality is stronger than my will. I say that I don’t like changes but I do crave for them. At the end of the day – I just procrastinate without even having to put anything to put aside for an excuse of my procrastination.

Do I make sense?

My answer would be no. But you know what? I don’t understand myself either so I’m not surprised when no one else can pin me down.

Down I go into the rabbits hole…..

So, do you have any suggestions? Maybe you could give me some reasons, objectives and goals cause I’m tired of looking for them.


*I hope that I can claim this word as my invention

Family home

Today I don’t want to leave.

I went to my parent’s home for couple of days and I got to know the place again after not being there for a while. It’s funny how I missed small things, such as drinking tea in the lounge, laughing with my family or playing with my cat. I even enjoyed walking around the city in a very cold weather and seeing all the new and old places with my new eyes that I have not thought about for years. At the moment I am sitting at my old desk and typing this, my cat is lying on one of my hands (therefore it’s really not easy to write at the moment) but I love moments like that – when the world is somewhere out there and you are safe from everything. That’s what we call home, I guess. I’m glad that I don’t live here anymore cause life does change but I am always very happy to comeback and experience the ‘goodness’ of home all over again.

I just can’t believe that I am leaving tomorrow. That tomorrow I will not wake up at my family home, that the cat won’t be asking me to feed her and that the ‘safe’ world is going to be changed with the world of grownups again.

I don’t want to leave but I am happy cause I know that I always can come back…

Those rare sunny days

Today I woke up early because.... the sun was shining! Can you believe this? I haven’t woken up that happy and early for quite a while. And yes, I did say happy. Tough times are always hard to live through but if you keep telling yourself that maybe that thing wasn’t as important as you thought it was then it’s much easier to stop thinking and move on. I guess I will come back pondering about why things happen or don’t happen but I feel as if I can be more objective or at least not beat myself too much. Sometimes stuff is not meant to take place and maybe even better events are coming to your life but you just don’t know about it. (That’s what I’m telling myself). And besides, life is not that bad isn’t it?

Yesterday I visited Greenwich and I fell in love with that spot all over again. It has such a nice vibe that you get only in special places. Places – where history mixes with today and once you are in that place you can really feel it. I am determent to go there more often and charge myself from that atmosphere. I think we all need to find special places for ourselves where every time we can comeback, forget about everything that is going on in our lives and just emerge into the existence of that place.

It’s the sun! Today I see sun and I’m happy!

I believe

I am a Teaist and a Tea-Philosopher.
My meditation is in a cup.
Life for me consists of small things and small sips.
I don’t believe in anything but the moment.
Time consists of moments marked by Tea.
And now is the right time to get self absorbed again and have a cup…

Me & Books

I love books. The earliest memories that I have of myself - is me in kindergarten trying to slowly read some sort of story tale. And I really like this memory, for its simplicity and warmth. I think I was the first one of my friends to sign up in a library by myself, not even asking my parents for help (yes I am very proud of myself) and since then libraries, as well as bookshops, became my second homes. I always felt better there than anywhere else (unless it’s a tea shop but about that I’ll tell you next time).

Books make me feel free and on top of the world, where I can experience so much more than in my real life. I am not complaining, not today... I found my personality through them or in better words I have shaped myself, understood who I want to and don’t want to be not only by observing the world and the people in front of me but through simply reading, reading and reading some more. I remember that once I started a list of books that I have read which I thought I would keep filling in all my life so that I would know what and how many books I have read. Well, that list was forgotten very quickly when I came to realise that the quantity doesn’t matter. What does matter is the quality of the book and what you learn from it. I feel sorry for some people who live through their life reading absolute rubbish and never picking up at least one ‘good’ book. (You judge what is the definition of a good book.)

Anyways, I like proclaiming my love of books time to time, just because I hope that someone would catch it too and so forth. To me:
Books=Love

Truly yours,
Tina Teaspoon.

what should I write?

Today I feel like writing. A lot. But then my mind is empty and I’ve got no clue what could that be. And besides, no one but me reads this.

Let's start with my name

I feel like my real name has been forgotten. It hasn't been pronounced for days, months and almost years. I try to slowly say it again out loud, making sure that all the sounds come out clearly and for some reason my true name sounds foreign. No, not to me, but to my ears. As if I can't relate what I am saying to what I am hearing.
It is me who asked them to call me differently in order to make it easier for them and maybe for me too. I didn't want any questions, their silent, unspoken frustration and here you go. Now I miss my name. I crave to see it said with other people's lips, I need to hear it, to feel it.
I don't think that another name makes me any different. I am who I am and I will change but not because of how I am called. I miss the deep connection with my name as if in four letters all my essence is contained. Do you believe that your names are important? Well, I do, now I really do.

My name is - Ugne